A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

Date

July 17, 2017
|
|

Shares

So, you want to kickstart your kink? The acronym BDSM is a mash-up that includes bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism & masochism (S&M). But it’s not just whips, chains and handcuffs. When done right, BDSM can be an incredibly fulfilling and intimate experience. Here’s how to get started.

Establish boundaries.

It’s important to understand that BDSM means different things to different people – you don’t have to be into or engage in every aspect of it. You can pick and choose according to you and your partner’s preferences and desires. Just be absolutely honest about what you want to experience. Here are a few topics to touch on:

Physical boundaries – Be clear about what you will and will not tolerate. For example, is hair pulling okay? What about slapping? What about choking?
Emotional boundaries – Which one of you is more dominant or submissive? Do you enjoy being humiliated and/or being called names during sex?
If you don’t want to set solid boundaries and enjoy the thrill of seeing how far you can go, simply establish a safe word.

It might sound kinda lame to sit down with your partner to discuss and go through a list of what you do and don’t want to do in the bedroom, but as soon as you’ve established your desires and boundaries, you can just relax and enjoy without worrying about going too far. Plus, the more comfortable you get with BDSM, you can always renegotiate what you’re comfortable with in the future.

Get into gear.

It’s totally normal to feel silly when you first start experimenting with BDSM. If you feel particularly embarrassed or uncomfortable, a good way to ease up is to simply look the part. Buy some dominatrix-esque pieces, a vinyl eye mask, wear heels or boots, whatever it is – get into character and you’ll feel a lot more comfortable doing things that are a little out of the ordinary. Check out brands like Zana Bayne and Raven & Rose for inspiration.

Like the idea of BDSM but have no idea where to start? Head to a sex store to explore your options and get some advice from the people who work there. Don’t be embarrassed to ask – they’ve seen some seriously weird and crazy sh*t. Trust.

Also, you don’t need to go all out and buy a sex swing and clit clamp straight away – unless you want to, of course. Start with the basics like a gag, blindfold, hand and/or foot restraints, a spanking paddle or maybe even a leash. If you’ve never experimented with BDSM before, toys that tease the senses are a gentle but fun way to start.

Read, watch and learn.

BDSM is an ongoing learning experience. The more you explore and try, the more you’ll open your mind to other possibilities and experiences you and your partner can enjoy. The deeper you dive into BDSM, you’ll find that the BDSM community is an extremely supportive and non-judgemental one. There are plenty of workshops, seminars, and classes you can take, and books you can read to further your understanding of BDSM.

“I would say the vast majority of what we call BDSM education is how to maximize ecstasy and minimize risk,” says Gloria Brame, Ph.D, author of Different Loving. “How to do all the things you fantasized about doing and to do them safely.”

It’s more emotional than you think.

Don’t get confused with books/movies like Fifty Shades of Grey, which portrays an overall abusive and unhealthy relationship. As it is with sex in general – respect, trust and consent are extremely important when it comes to BDSM.

One of the biggest misunderstandings about BDSM is that it’s for people who are “damaged” or “deranged,” or that being into BDSM is an extension of abusive or violent behavior. This couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s simply another way to enjoy sex.

Which brings me to my last point – the after care. Yes, this is a thing. It’s important that you and your partner nurture each other afterwards. What we enjoy in the act can actually hurt us emotionally outside of sex – whether it’s name calling, inflicting physical pain, or being dominated and humiliated. The same way a nice cuddle makes you feel loved and wanted after sex, taking the time to show care to your partner after BDSM acts ensures that you and your partner don’t feel used and abused.

Enjoy, and be safe!

Category:
Tags: